**So a lot has been going on ans I haven't had time to write. But I'm soon to find myself with some time on my hands b/c I have a month off of school. Anyway, I figured I'd let you guys know what's been going on, so I've copied and pasted other journal entries in one spot for convenience...yeah: Monkies**
1.)Epiphany
I've tried, really, really hard, to be everything that everyone wants me to be. I've been a mother, a lover, a shoulder to cry on, a victim, a punching bag, a bitch, a whore, salvation...but for what? I know who I am...why am I never true to myself? Why can't I just be selfish and do things for me? Someone once told me, "We won't work. You'll always feel trapped, and I'll be waiting for you to come home." He was so wrong. I'm just typing, I need to right now. But it might not make much sense.
Back to the matter at hand...what is the point of living your life for someone else? I have a looking-glass complex, so I see myself through other people's eyes. BUT, I have identified that this is a problem and I'm trying to change it. Change...I've changed so much, for the wrong reasons, and not always for the good. I can't remember time before Xander. I can't remember what used to be fun for me. Everyone tells me I was an alcoholic and an addict and that's all I did. But I know...I know there was time and space between those times when I comfortably co-existed with other people and enjoyed their company. I remember a time before I was so judgemental...I remember when I wasn't so jaded.
But, so often everything hurts-because I let it. How did I let things get like this? How did I let me get like this? On a regualr basis...someone says something that makes me hate myself. Hell, half of the time I allow myself to be manipulated into thinking I'm a bad person. But I'm not. I do my part. For every person that's helped me through a rough time, I've helped three. And why do other people do these things? Until just now, I thought it was because they all just wanted something from me. My paranoia has spun too far out of control...and somewhere along the line I stopped having faith in my fellow man...until just now.
People can love each other, just for the sake of loving. Don't get me wrong people hurt each other for the sake of seeing the tears fall, but not always. I'm hurting...but it's such a strange pain. It's like for the first time ever, I am in my own skin. I've spent such a long time letting someone else make decisions for me. Dear Mattman!, why didn't I listen when you told me? The choices are mine to make, and I take comfort in it. Don't you forget, you always have a choice. If someone has a gun to your head, you can die, or fight and have a chance-either way it's still a choice. We might not always like the choices we have, but having the capability to recognize them and take responsibility...that's progress. That's one step closer to having that peace of mind everyone longs for.
I choose me.
I found an old friend on here, he told me that every day we prove ourselves. In everything we do, we prove ourselves so that we know we're alive. At the time I wasn't and I haven't been. I haven't been deserving of the life I live. I haven't been thankful for my very existance-but to be alive is a beautiful thing. To simply get the chance to know love and pain...it's an exquisite thing. I am tired of being this way. I am tired of people making me this way...I am even more tied of letting them.
I prove myself.
I am me and I am beautiful. I am confident and sexy and wrathful. I am loved, but I don't need it...because as of right now, I love myself enough for the world.
2.) I'm not Broken
Yeah, I'm good. I'm great, actually. After the epiphany I had the other day, tings have been brighter, you know? I mean, for the first time in a really long time I'm comfortable in my own skin. I've let a lot of things go and forgiven a lot of people. I tell ya kids, harboring your anger and pain is no good. It'll ruin you. I am changed and smiling doesn't hurt.
I've finally stopped putting my self-worth in other people's hands. God, it feels good to be alive. And now, a bit of ranting, a bit of nonsense and my soul in words.
In class yesterday, John Duffy (Duffier) gave a speech on drugs. He felt that drugs should be legalized so that they could be more controlled. No offense to anyone Christian, but one guy in the room started yelling about how offended he was and how as a Christian this is completely immoral. He refused to look at any kind of validation this theory might have. He refused to take an objective standpoint and kept screaming religion. In this case in particular, I think it had little to do with his religion and more to do with his personality that credited this self-righteousness.
Next topic: loneliness. I'm not! I mean, in my life I've had a lot of people turn their backs on me. I've turned my back on a lot of people. Sometimes you have to be selfish. People will drag you down with them. My mentor, Coach John Pessina once told me that you are lucky to have one true friend in life. I'm proud to say I once shared a bond with so many people. They left lasting imprints on my life as I did theirs. They truly meant something to me regardless of how things ended. I thank each and every one of them for momentarilly walking the path of life with me. As for the word, "friend," I think that it is too loosely used today. A friend is someone you can rely on. Every healthy relationship is give and take-even friendships. If it's not, something is wrong.
I recently have had several friendships end simply due to distance (both literally and figuratively). All of which I felt were pertinent to my existance at the time. Looking back, they were fairly one-sided, but that doesn't make them any less important. I really do think I wasted a great deal of energy beating a dead horse in all instances. But I'm glad I did. Even if it didn't work I can say I tried. And I've learned a lot about people and myself. Man, this is a good song: "Don't cry to me. If you loved me, you would be here with me. You want me, come find me, make up your mind." Sorry, I just had to throw that in there.
People hurt each other all of the time. Some people don't even realize they do it. Are they bad people for it? I don't think so. I think people make mistakes. We are on this earth to learn and grow. This is the meaning of life-to live. So today, after you read this, go out and have a good day. If someone hurts or upsets you-forgive them, you'll feel better. Just remember they are just as human as you are. We are all connected to each other in that we share our mortality and it scares us. We enter this world and leave it alone; knowing this we spend so much time latching on to people to seek comfort in companionship. And when our counterparts cannot be at our beck and call we feel convenient. I've felt this and I've made other people feel it. While this is human nature, remember you have to love yourself first. You matter to you.
So today, embrace your fellow man. Go out and make a difference in one person's life. Just one. Make someone smile.
I am me, and I am beauty and wrath and knowledge and I love you because you are you.
~Jynn (Saving the world one person at a time)
3.) You Have Got to be Kidding Me
Alright, so good news first- I just got home from an interview with Toys R Us and the HR lady loved me! She's going to run my background check and give me a call within the next few days! Finals are next week and right now my grades are great: 2 As and 2 Bs.
Okay, to the not so good news- my uncle was arrested yesterday. Three "unsavory" friends of his tried to rob him in his home. In his...state, he felt it appropriate to try and take their lives. He shot one person and the other two got away with the keys to both my grandfather's and my uncle's cars and houses. The police took all of his guns when they arrested him (my uncle hunts and has many guns-all of which are liscensed and registered to him), yet they didn't take the clips for them nor his stash of unmentionables. Before they left they also activated the killswitch on my uncle's truck. My mother and I could not get the truck started because of this. When we tried to get into the garage, we found that in his state of paranoia, my uncle had boarded the door shut from the inside. I don't know if you've ever kicked a door in, reader, but when you kick in a door that opens out it has a little bit of bounce to it. When you kick in a door that opens out and is boarded up-there is no give at all.
Soooo, I found a baseball bat and broke a window so my mother could get the car out of the garage. Let me backtrack a little bit. The whole reason we needed to get the cars away from the house (in case you don't know yet) was because the thieves now had keys to both vehicles. Anyway, we found out that my uncle had also cut the power to the electric garage door in order to keep intruders out, so that was more work. We finally got the car out when the police showed up. Someone had called in saying someone was breaking into the garage. We were almost arrested for trespassing and breaking and entering. Anyway, everything worked out and we had my uncle's truck towed to our home and we drove the cars back to our house. My uncle is being charged with three counts of 'Armed Criminal Action.' The person he shot is fine and has also been arrested. The bail we're looking at is over 100K, but we don't have a set number yet. We're supposed to know by 5pm tonight what's going to happen. My grandfather is in recovery due to his recent colectomy and no one has the heart to tell him what his only son has done for fear that his heart is unable to withstand it.
I am upset and justifiably so. But everyday is a new day and I am incredibly hopeful. Remember, my darlings, everything is eventual.
How I met Tony & an Entry
